Hmong Wedding: Negotiating
Posted on 06 June 2011
Sorry for the delay with the whole Hmong wedding process. Next on the list of Hmong weddings is the Negotiating. The negotiating of the wedding is a vital ritual just as well as other parts and rituals of the wedding. Before the negotiation starts, the groom’s family must prepare a diner to send the Mej Koob off to the wedding. The groom’s family must kill either a pig or a cow for the feast, majority of the time a pig is used. The pig is killed for the feast, the animal is killed either earlier in the day or the day before the actual feast. Food are prepared earlier in the afternoon, majority of the time it should be ready by 3-4 pm. This feast is not dedicated to the bride and groom but for the Mej Koob, this feast is the mark of the beginning of the wedding. The feast is dedicated to the two mej koob who will be the negotiator on the grooms side. In Hmong traditions the Groom’s family must have two mej koob and so the bride’s parent’s must also have two mej koobs (which the mej koob will represent the family), Hmong people believe in “pair”, everything must be done in pair, a set of two, or even numbers. Drinks will be passed around during the eating, they will talk in forms that will be hard for use Hmong-american to understand, words of thanks will also be passed around just as well as a few rounds of budlight shoots.
While families and friends on the grooms side of the family are preparing this feast the mother or an elder will kill 5 chickens, each chicken will serve its own purpose in the wedding ritual (I’ve just learned this back in March when we had my brother and sister in law’s wedding). These chickens must be killed and prepared with extra care. These chickens must not have any bruises or marks. One chicken will be used at the grooms home, the head of the family will use this chicken to feed the ancestors and bless the well being of this wedding, wishing that everyone will go safely and return safely that the wedding will go as plan with no worries and “drama”. 2 chickens will serve as “lunch” on the way to the bride’s parent’s house. The bridal party who consist of the two mej koob, the bride, the groom, the greed lady (the brides maid, or in Hmong the bride’s little body guard) and the best man. The two chickens will be used as lunch on the way to the wedding. The Mej Koob will decide where is the best place to have their lunch, everyone in the wedding party must stop somewhere and take a few bites of this lunch which will consist of two chickens, salt that will be bagged, rice and a few bottle of waters. Here in America you’ll notice that a lot of time the bridal party will eat in front of the house before heading out because there are hardly anywhere to stop and have their meal. One chicken will be given to the bride’s father to so he can call his side of the family’s ancestors for blessing and to have a feast with him. The last chicken will be used later on once the negotiation is completed. This chicken will be joined with another chicken the bride’s mother had already prepared, but this chicken must be eaten with only the chicken and rice in water.
Enough about the 5 chickens. At the groom’s home after the feast is completed (it’s not a very big feast although a good amount of friends and family are there) the groom and best man must bow a good amount of times for different reasons, the mej koob will ask the bride that if anything must go wrong during the negotiation will she stay with her parents or return with the groom (of course she’ll answer that she’ll be returning with the groom shall they have to run out of the negotiation if anything goes wrong), the green lady is lecture and given her job duties; follow the bride EVERYWHERE she goes, if she needs to use the restroom, the green lady must stay right outside the doors at all time until she is out. If the bride’s mother wishes to talk to her daughter alone, the green lady must refuse the request, yes if she has to argue with the mother she’ll have to, in fact, when I was the green lady back in my younger years I had to actually argue with the bride’s mother because she insist on having a moment of privacy with her daughter. I did my job and argue with the mother until she gave up and decided that it wasn’t so important. Hmong people believe that once the bride enters her mother’s house for the negotiation and so forth until the end of the wedding, the mother and NO ONE besides the groom is allowed to have a moment of privacy with the bride, anyone can “feed” bad ideas to the bride or an old ex boyfriend can sneak to talk with the bride therefore the green lady’s job is very important. If the green lady is caught not being with the bride by any of the bride’s family member the groom’s family must pay a price for the damage.
The groom must carry the basket of items needed for the wedding and food while the best man carries a blanket on his back, tied together to carry on the back using a purple turban fabric. The main Mej Koob carries a black umbrella tied with a Siv Ceeb, which is a long thin black (or dark blue or dark purple) and white pattern fabric also used to be warn on the turban. The bride and the green lady are dressed in the groom’s parent’s traditional Hmong clothing (each dialect, regions and etc have their own style of Hmong clothes). The bridal party than walk to the car and have their meal there. Once the meal is completed the bridal party leaves to the bride’s parents home.
The brides family had already had their own little feast as they awaits the groom and the bride. Once the bridal party arrives at the bride’s parents home the mej koob must ask if the brides family are having a “do not enter” ritual (it’s a ritual that no one can enter the home for a certain amount of day, it’s always polite to ask a Hmong family this before entering their home). The umbrella must be handle with care and place in the highest level, it must be hang somewhere safe, if not the bride’s family can “sue” the groom’s family. The two last chickens are then hand over to the bride’s father and he does whatever he needs with the chicken as I had already describe above. The grooms father and elder/head of the clan and or uncles/cousins etc will follow a moment later, once they arrive the two family must be in two different rooms and are not allowed to talk to one another until the negotiation is completed. Only the 4 mej koobs are allowed in the main room or where ever the negotiation is taking place. The Mej Koob will be going back and forth to rely message to each side they represents until an agreement is met. This is the time when they talk of the dowry or another word the bride price. The set standard is 6,000 but if the bride is a very good daughter who is wife and daughter in law material her price may go up, if she is a highly educated daughter the price will also increase.
At this time they also agrees on who will be serving the wedding. Will the bride’s parents prepare all the food or will the groom’s family prepare all the food. Which ever side of the family prepares the food they are in charge of all expense, this will be the bride’s parent’s decision, the groom’s parent’s has no say in it but must agree only. 99% of the time the bride’s family will prepare the food of the actual wedding, if not the groom’s family must all come together to prepare for the wedding food, that will be on another post.
Click here for the Hu Plig Khi Tes wedding ritual
Click here for the Fi Xov wedding ritual
2 responses to Hmong Wedding: Negotiating
There are so many rituals, actually no less than ours. I always thought that the green lady has to be someone older or an elderly person, but I guess not. Love the image of the shot glasses.
I am now reading this cause all this just happened for my baby brother too, I have to understand it more